The Anti Sermon on the Mount

The Anti Sermon on the Mount

So Jesus addressed the crowd saying:

"Do you want to know who is blessed?
God blesses people with happiness, they are happy because they take charge of the things around them.
God blesses people with health, the healthy are the ones who live upstanding lives.
God blesses people with influence, they are the ones who assert what they believe is the best way to live on others.
God blesses people by satisfying their desires, these are the people who live the most holy lives. 
God blesses people by being nice to them, these are the people who are nice to others.
God blesses people by revealing His secrets to them, these are the people who are holier and wiser than you.
God blesses people by calling them His children, these are the people who hate sinners and wage war against them.
God blesses people by giving them power and authority, these are usually the politicians, pastors, celebrities and authors.

You are blessed when they hate you for saying things that are true like:  How much God hates homosexuality, or How much God hates Harry Potter, or How Christian your country is, or how God turns his back on sinners and people of other religions.  Be glad and rejoice because God will keep blessing you with wealth, authority, wisdom and His secrets.  That is, of course, how God has been blessing the saints and prophets before you. 


Salt and Light
Christians are to be the salt of the earth.  Add flavor to everything by taking all art and making Christian copies of it.  Christian music, movies and television are the only things worth watching. 
Christians need to be the light of the world too.  Remember that you are the only people who know anything at all.  Everyone else is being deceived by evil philosophies and religions that the devil created in order to confuse them.  God made sure that you were born into a Christian nation so that you could use your money and influence to light the rest of the world with television, the internet, music and of course your military.  Make sure that you force the rest of the world to see how smart and superior you are so that they too can want to be as Holy as you are. 

The Fulfillment of the Law
Don't think even for a minute that I came to do away with the Law.  Remember that I came to fulfill the law.  What I mean by this is that because of me, you won't have to keep the ridiculous laws like not eating pork, and not working on the Sabbath.  What I am freeing you up to do is to pick and choose which laws you want to make important.  For example, since gayness and abortion are so gross, you'll want to make sure and not allow anyone to do those things.  Basically, the sins that are the "everybody's doing it" type sins are totally OK.  It's fine to use my name in vain as long as it is for a good cause, like when you are really pissed off.  Remember that you need to be holier than people who are lost and pathetic non-Christians, so be sure and pick the sins that you aren't currently doing to preach against.

Murder
Remember when God gave you the commandment:  "Don't kill people"?  Let me redefine murder for you here.  If you are really angry, that is like actually committing murder, with your heart.  Basically what I mean by this is not to be angry at your family, friends and people at church.  If you are angry at someone who is less holy than you, it's pretty much OK.  It's OK because you are really hating the sin, and not the sinner.  As long as someone has done something really awful to you, it's actually OK to kill them as long as a group of twelve of your peers agrees with you.  Also, if they practice another religion, live in another country, and seem like a big threat, their lives are forfeit.  I call this the "Jack Bauer Rule":  if someone seems like a threat or is in any related to anyone who poses a threat to your way of life, you can pretty much do whatever you want to them. 

Adultery
Remember that God already said not to commit adultery?  Basically, what God meant by this is that it is wrong to have sex outside of marriage, before or during marriage.  You need to know that even if you lust after someone that you're not married to, you're committing adultery in your heart which is just as bad as actually doing the deed.  When it really comes down to it, it is really impossible to expect that anyone can really resist this temptation.  This is kind of an "old-fashioned" law when you really think about it. The best thing that you can do here is to hold a high standard in what you say.  If you are struggling in this area, keep it a secret.  Your own will-power should be good enough to overcome the problem.  If you're subscribed to a website, cut it off.  If the lotion causes you to spank your monkey, throw it away.  Don't cut off your internet connection though, I'm sure that you'll need that, and don't install a monitoring software, that may slow down your computer's performance for your video games. You can always ask forgiveness after the fact, anyway.  If you are having sex before marriage, it is probably because you are too good looking and popular to be able to deal with the temptation. 

Divorce
It was also said: "whoever divorces his wife must give her a written notice of divorce."  This is only common sense.  Divorce pretty much falls into that "everyone is doing it" category.  So it's OK as long as your spouse is a real jerk.  It's probably better than spending time and money trying to make counseling work.  Remember, people don't really change.

Oaths
Again, your ancestors and God have already told you that lying is wrong.  If you took an oath to God, it's a good idea to keep it, and if you made an oath to a person, you should do your best to keep it.  But remember, sometimes lying can really get you out of a bind.  It's not like you're a politician or anything, if lying makes you or someone else feel better... I mean, what is truth really anyway? 

Eye for An Eye
Remember when people used to say that if someone does something to you, you get to punish them by doing the same thing to them.  This is a really horrible idea anyway.  If someone punches you in the face, don't hit them back.  It will just escalate.  If someone hurts you, just sue them.  Remember that it is never your fault.  People just hate you because you are better than they are.  If someone steals something from you, they are probably just poor and can't afford their own stuff.  Deport them to their home country where they can just steal from their own people or take a job where they can make bad wages and not steal your jobs.  

Love Your Enemies
You heard it said: "Love your neighbor and hate your enemies", I am telling you to love your enemies.  You can do this by praying for them.  That's actually pretty much it though.   Since they are dangerous and obviously live under one of Satan's other religions, you can kill them to protect the other people who are holier than they are.  If it's an enemy at school or work, you'll want to make sure that everyone else is on your side and not theirs.  Remember that if you are holier than they are, good stuff is going to happen to you, and they are going to get what is coming to them sooner or later anyway.  They will probably be taking your order at McDonalds one day when you are rich and successful and when that happens you can bask in the way that God has blessed you more than them because of your faithfulness and good deeds.



Matthew 6

Giving to the needy.
Be careful not to look like you are trying to bring attention to yourself when you do your "Acts of Righteousness." 
Right now, since it is trendy to give to the needy, it is important for you to talk all about how other people should be giving.  Give sermons and write blog posts about Darfur, Aids in Africa, and injustice in the rest of the world. Remember that as a Christian, the most powerful thing you have is your voice, so make it heard.  Clamor and annoy and write petitions that will influence your government to give to the needy and interfere in international affairs.  That way, the money that you are giving for taxes can go to help someone rather than line the pockets of the politicians.  This way, you won't have to give your own money and won't have to look like a hypocrite. 

Prayer
And when you pray, do not be like the hypocrites who love to pray in front of the whole congregation.  Remember that there is a formula for having your prayers answered and they will only be answered to your satisfaction if you pray the way that God wants you to pray.  First, butter God up by telling Him how awesome He is.  Then thank Him for all of the good stuff that has happened to you.  Don't babble on and on, get to the point and ask God for what you want.  Do this at the same time each day in the morning.  This is the quiet time that God requires of you.  Then ask God to bless you financially, to bless you professionally, and to bless your family with obedient and healthy children. 

Pray like this:
God, you are so amazing, awesome and powerful.  Thank you for being on my side.
I pray that your kingdom comes to earth to make all of the sinners and heathens pay for their transgressions.
Help me pay that mortgage on my half million dollar home and help me pay for the cable and my car payment too.
Forgive me of my sins, and I'll forgive the people who have wronged me. (But please give them your awesome justice.)
Help give me the will power to not sin, and keep the devil from messing me up like he always is doing.

Remember to forgive others who have sinned against you.  You'll see them get what they deserve at some point.

Fasting
When you fast, don't make a show of it. 
People will notice when you drop a few pounds.  You should be on a Christian diet anyway. 

Treasures in Heaven
Do not store up treasures for yourself here on earth.  They will all turn to dust one day.  Remember to store up treasures in heaven for all eternity.  That way, you can live in a mansion in heaven while the people who brag about their earthly possessions today will be living in shacks for eternity.
If you do this, then God will bless you financially here on earth anyway.  Many will never understand how it makes sense for pastors who drive BMW's to give a sermon on building treasures in heaven, but remember that there is a difference between buying stuff and being blessed with stuff.  Allow yourself to be blessed by stuff.  This will happen when you finally tithe a full ten percent to your church.  That ten percent tithe is like a high yeild investment, God will bless you back ten fold for whatever you give to Him. 

Do Not Worry
I'm telling you not to worry about your life.  God is going to take care of you.  The more faithful you are, the more blessed you'll be.  Don't worry about your clothes or the food that you eat.  God already blessed the country that you live in for being the most Christian country in the world. 
If God clothes the grass of the field and birds of the air, then why should you worry?  If you are a faithful Christian, it won't be a Kmart blessing, God will hook you up at Abercrombie.  You won't be in the broken down Hyundai, you'll be riding tall in a Ford Explorer. 


Matthew 7

Judging Others
Don't judge others or God will judge you too.  God will use the same measure to judge you that you use to judge others.  So make sure that if you are going to point out the speck in someone else's eye that you don't have a 2x4 in yours.  So, if you point out someone else's elicit affair, be sure that you aren't getting a little something on the side.  If you're going to point out that your friend fudged his score in golf, make sure that your card is itself honest.  You'd best keep to only hating the things that non-Christians and homosexuals are doing.  Those are definitely the sins that good Christians have to worry about.  I mean think about it.  Just being born to Muslim parents can be considered a sin.  If you are a Muslim, basically everything you do is a sin anyway.  Same thing with homosexuals.  Since they haven't repented of their gayness, every moment of their lives is a sin. 

Ask, Seek, Knock
Ask and it will be given to you, seek and you will find, knock and the door will be opened to you.  Remember that if you ask the right way, then you basically control what God will do for you.  As long as you ask the right way, God will hook you up.  It's all about doing it the right way.  Be sure to treat others the way that you want to be treated, and remember, if you were a low down dirty sinner like almost everyone else is; wouldn't you want somebody to tell you that you are "lost" and and dying in your sins, then you could find the right way.

The Narrow and Wide Gates
Enter through the secret hidden, narrow gate.  The gate that leads to hell is wide.  Remember that you are a chosen few who have the secret of eternal life revealed to you.  You must have done something right if you found the narrow gate.  Hand this secret out to the people who have gotten their act together.  You'll be a part of a pretty select club of elite and holy Christians.

True and False Prophets
Watch out for false prophets. They'll come to you in sheep's clothing, but they really are wolves.  You can recognize them because they will be different than you are.  You'll recognize the good prophets and teachers because they will teach the stuff that you have already heard, they won't ask provocative questions, they won't freak you out.  They will teach that there is a formula for the Christian life, "if you do this, then you will get what you deserve."   Their enemies will be the same as your enemies, and their friends will be your friends.

True and False Disciples
Not everyone who says "Lord, Lord" will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only those who do the will of God will enter in.  Many will say "we taught and drove out demons and did some amazing things."  Then I will tell them that I never knew them.  They were the ones who told people to say "Happy Holidays" instead of "Merry Christmas" and who were too politically correct to hate the people that they were supposed to hate.

The Wise and Foolish Builders
Everyone who puts my words into practice is like a wise man who built his house on a rock.  But everyone who struggles with my teachings and questions what your teachers are saying obviously built their house on the sand.  They are wobbly in their faith.  They live their lives in the grey area and their house will be blown down by the hurricane.  You shouldn't worry about the houses and lives of those people who live in the bad part of town, they basically did it to themselves, they should have gotten a job and stopped being poor and sorry for themselves.  If they weren't so sinful and had been faithful, God would have already blessed them and they would live in a better place anyway.  That, of course, is unlike those of you who hear my teaching, do your daily quiet time, do your formulaic living so that God can bless you.  You will live in a mansion in the good part of town.  A hurricane wouldn't mess with your part of town, and if something bad did happen, God would put you up in the Hilton. 

After Jesus finished speaking, the people were amazed that they now understood the clear difference between right and wrong.  They chose to be right by praying the prayer that was written on the back of the business card of the local pastor who was passing them out of the back of his Mercedes.  This is what each one of them had wanted to hear.