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Thinking recently on our country's general election for president, I read a comment by news commentator Sean Hannity where he talks about the greatness of America. In fact, he uses the phrase: "America is the greatest, best country God has ever given man on the face of the earth."
I wondered if our founders and finders had explicit instructions on the creation of this country that dictated how this country was put together. Here, I theorize, is a recipe that some people might have used.
I know before you even read this that you will see some vitriol. Most of that is from watching the reactions of McCain supporters after the election and their bitterness and reaction to what has happened. I should state for the record that I know that many inventors and great people have been a part of the founding of this country and have been a part of helping it grow. I am however saddened that some of the greatest founders and thinkers have had their invention and theory watered down by the interpretation of others who wish to paint our history with their own brush. I still have yet to find anyone more heroic for their actions and words than Martin Luther King Jr in in the last millenium. Maybe Ghandi, maybe Martin Luther. There have certainly been great Americans and great things that our country has done. I write the below recipe to see how popular faith and popular culture have formed to take religion and culture down the tubes in our nation and discolor the history of a Nation that was founded with a great idea, but less than admirable ideals.
Steps to Founding and Creating “the greatest, best country God has ever given man on the face of the Earth.”
Step 1: The Finding
Find the Continent on which your country will be built totally by accident.
This is by far the best way to find the land that will eventually become the Country that God will give you. Go sailing on a foolhardy mission to find fame and riches across the ocean and then bump right in to your new continent.
Remember that the continent that will be the future home to your country may already have many different nations and tribes on it. So first look to trade with them, then look to just assume that you can take any resource that you want. Remember, it is not actually their country since God is planning on giving it to you and not them. Start treating it as such. Remember also that the people are there at your disposal too. Use them as you will, and when you get tired of them be sure to pass on some kind of pox or disease.
Step 2: The Inhabiting
Remember that this is your land. Just because people are already on it, you need to believe that it is your destiny to own it. Even though those people are pretty willing to let you start your own colonies and share the land with them, you need to remember to take the good land and if some of their tribes or homelands border with you be sure to make them move somewhere else, somewhere west. Remember too that since their God is not your God, you need to call them savages, believe that they are less qualified than you to own or do anything and just keep pushing them west.
This is an important standard to set in this place… remember that since their skin is darker than yours, they automatically are not as destined as you are to own this land. Also remember that their God is stupid and if they do not start speaking your language and worshipping your God, they need to either move, or work for you as a slave, or die; those are the choices.
Later on, your country is going to be founded based on Religious freedom, so be sure that they know that they are free to start worshipping, speaking, and dressing like you; if they reject this kind of freedom, it is ok to kill them.
You’ll also want to keep in mind this skin color discrimination thing. People with darker skin will not be worth anything until the advent of professional sports, so you have hundreds of years to do with them whatever you want.
Step 3: The Building
Keep in mind during this phase of the process that you are rich and white. If you are going to own an amazing country, you’re going to need someone to do the actual work. You might see the big problem here though. You’re going to need some labor. Being rich and white, you’ll of course need some slaves. But oh no… you’ve already pissed off the natural resource that you had in the Natives who inhabited the land before you.
Don’t get a conscience now though. Remember that they are godless savages. The only reason that they are pissed and want to kill you is because when you tried to take the land that they were already living on and even pretty willing to share with you, you gave them diseases, pushed them out of their land and killed the resistant ones. Who needs them? They didn’t even want to take the religion that we were offering to them.
So since you are an entrepreneur and have no conscience, just get some more labor. The Mexicans and Indians are far too angry and laid back to be of any real help, so you’re going to have to import some. Go ahead and ship them in from Africa. Their skin is even darker, so you will feel even more superior. They probably won’t want to come, so, you’re going to have to capture them and fill a boat with them. A bunch will die on the long boat trips, but that’s actually going to make the survivors even more happy to be here and be your slaves.
In a few hundred years, people will worship your nation so much that they will hardly ever mention that the work was done by slaves.
Step 4: The Freedom
The time has finally come to dump the ugly overlord country that you came from and retains control of the land in which you live. It’s a shocker I know, but they don’t want to pack up and leave. They wanted to make some money off of this place. You’ll need to know though that freedom only comes through war. Write that down, it’s important. In order to justify a lot of killing in your name, you’re going to have to make people believe that the only thing that makes their country free is the people who fought and died for it.
It will also be a good precedent to fight a war based on money. This is going to happen throughout the future. You’re going to need to justify war with money, so set a good standard here. Make the war bloody and send them packing.
Step 5: Governing/The Importance of a National Religion
You may have to pretty this up a bit so that it doesn’t look discriminating, racist and unfair, but here are the basic premises that you will need to keep in mind while writing and enforcing your laws.
All men are created equal except: People with non white skin, People of other religions, People who have differing opinions, People with Vaginas, People who sympathize with the wrong kind of people, People who don’t want to be rich.
In order to make these things palatable, you’ll need to form your own religion. This is tricky because you need to claim to honor religious freedom, so you’ll just have to bastardize your own faith. Here’s how it works…
Put the 10 Commandments in schools and courthouses, and make a big deal about them. But break them whenever it helps the country. You’ve already been hypocritical, as you’ve killed natives, slaves, and any country who got in the way of the founding of your own country. In order to justify killing, you’ll just have to make the argument that the people you killed deserved it, or were not real people at all based on their race, religion, or beliefs.
Be sure to proclaim that “Eye for an Eye” kind of living rather than the “Do unto Others” type of living. It’s easier to justify hate and prejudice when we ignore the words of Jesus.
Discard the entire sermon on the mount. That stuff might make you have to honor and respect people rather than discriminate against them.
One of the most important religious moves you’re going to need to make though is to tie your nation’s founding and it’s system of governing which need to be capitalism and democracy, into your religion. Even though it is not biblical, as long as you mention God once in a while, people will begin to live and believe that the person who makes the profit is right. And… that the majority is always right as well. Caring for the minority and poor are going to be too distracting for your country, and should only be done once you are so rich and powerful that the money won’t be missed. It will also give the hippies something to do so you can get them out of your hair later.
Step 6: Wars
Now, if you have set things up correctly you can basically go to war against anyone. Call everything a war of self-defense, you can justify it with faith. You’ll need to defend capitalism against communism. You’ll need to spread democracy. Etc. These are important ways to justify killing and wars. Sooner or later, you will realize that you might need to fight a war and let the slaves go free. The cool thing about this is that you can spin that whole slavery thing. A hundred and fifty years later, all they are going to remember is that their country is the one that set the slaves free. Nobody is going to remember this as a country that was built on the back of slaves, a country that mistreated these people for hundreds of years. This kind of hypocrisy is really no big deal.
Don’t worry about those slaves going free either, you won’t really have to give them any real rights for at least another hundred years anyway. And hey, just because you can’t call them slaves anymore doesn’t have to change much. Pay them a salary and they will just have to pay it back to you for rent. They will all be poor when you set them free, and remember, in capitalism, the poor people are as good as slaves anyway. Plus, if you need more slaves, you’ll soon be able to outsource your labor to other countries and oppress people on the other side of the world.
Also, as far as War goes, you’re going to have to make it clear to your citizenry that the most important thing that their country does for them is to protect them. It’s the easiest thing in the world to do and to manage. Make sure that they are scared enough to give you enough money to build the most crazy unnecessarily huge and advanced army ever. When this army is built, and your country controls 80% of the world’s wealth and Natural Resources, you’ll be pretty unstoppable.
You’ll be so powerful that you will have a bomb that you own and no one else owns. You’re going to be able to drop this technology on another country at will. In fact, when you get sick of war, drop a couple of these and don’t worry about it. You’ll kill about a quarter million people, primarily citizens whose reason for dying will be that they lived in a town that housed a weapons factory. You’ll already be so powerful in the world that no one can do anything about it. The world will have the same reaction to you that you had when you watched the new Batman movie and the Joker introduced the hide the pencil trick. The whole world will just stare at you and say: “did he really do that!? Did I just imagine that?! Damn! Note to self… don’t mess with that guy.”
Nobody is going to ever mess with you again. Ever! Anyone who does is an enemy to freedom, capitalism, and democracy.. and is therefore… against our way of life and our religion. This certainly sounds like Sir Bedevere in Monty Python and the Holy Grail. Your citizenry will just sound like the maniacal peasant mob saying “burn the witch!” to cheer you on in whatever you choose to do.
Step 7: Enjoy Your Country
Now that you have set yourself up for being rich, white and super powerful you can sit back and watch the money roll in. The beauty of it is that you actually never had a monarchy or an oligarchy, but what you end up with is an empire where you are the deity. You can claim that you are powerful because of your entrepreneurial nature and your inventiveness, but the joke is on everyone else. You never really invented all that much. What you did do is make yourself and your lifestyle the gold standard for making money and measuring happiness. You literally are THE man!
It is important to note however that the society that you just created is a complete monopoly. Eventually the rich will rule the country and money will buy and sell laws and votes. This is good news for you as long as you have little to no conscience and hey.. if money buys votes and laws, you will be the beneficiary anyway.
It is also important to note that you may also be perceived as something of a monster around the rest of the world. Again, this is no big deal as long as you are not bogged down by a conscience or sympathy.
You’ll also need to be aware that you so bastardized the religion that you liked at the beginning that your country will no longer know the truth in your Bible. The Illusion of the happiness that money brings should distract them from their search of any purity of faith anyway.
You should also know that in the society that you created, only three things motivate the mob of people. Money, Sex and Fear. You can use Fear anytime you need to bolster your own position of power. Invent an enemy to fight, a threat to stand against, a disease to worry about. The Pharaoh wasn’t swayed by any of the plagues thousands of years ago, but if Moses could have used terrorism, economic crisis, or STD’s the Pharaoh would have set his people free in an instant.
This couldn’t be a better deal for you. In order to be rich and powerful a deity among your people, all you had to give up is your conscience and your faith.
